this is a type of autobiographical work. biased, of course.
larry d. rosalez-lewis
25yrs old | gainesville, fl
A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms.
— Zen Shin Talks
accusation | RESURRECTION
a few days ago a man i’ve never met named jerry reiter commented on a video i made in 2011 called “homosexuality and god.” when i messaged him to speak about his comments he had these things to say about me:
“you are a part of the problem, part of the hate side of the Culture War.
there is nothing more to say
You told us you lied about your HIV status for five years. You lied about being “delivered” from homosexuality when the only “miracle” was that you went from gay to same-sex attracted. You use more aliases than anyone this side of prison bars: Larry D Rosalez-Lewis, Larry Darnell, Larry Rosalez are the ones I have come across so far. Would it be fair to call you Larry the liar? If not, why not? And why are you calling me a grown man? do you not realize that you are too? You write about pining away for hours about your glory days as a twink while your weight gains and hairy face and body now make you a bear who sits alone in his room writing poetry about the gay boys he used to have. What do you teach - classes in self-deception?
It’s funny. I am 6’4” and a former boxer. If people had to choose between you and me as the gay one, they would all pick you. Your body, your movements, your voice all reveal a gay man. It is obvious to everyone, but you still cling to the illusion that if you tell the lie about yourself long enough, it will become true.
No wonder you are good at the fiction of poetry. For you it is merely practice in spinning the next set of self-deceptions. You hate yourself as you really are. You believe God only loves that self that “should” be, but the reality is that person does not exist.Larry the Illusionist is popular on stage and online. But Larry the gay man sits alone aching for a life he robbed himself of in the hopes of gaining approval from others, from the church and the false god who does not love people as they are.
I know where you will be in 20 years: leaving that wife you married and falling in love for the first time in your life with a man. You will wonder why you wasted all those years in trying to be someone you were not. You will find freedom not in lofty words, but in the joy of a life shared with someone you can totally love.
You assume all gays are promiscuous because you were. You assume God is not blessing same-sex couples because you never experienced that in your loveless hook-ups. You have no idea what God is doing in the lives of same-sex couples around the world today, but that does not stop you from pretending you know. Pretending is your specialty. You do it so often and for so long you have forgotten you are pretending.
You ache for men and you always will. You can’t see the middle path between destructive promiscuity and destructive religious extremism. Love is the answer you refuse to see right in front of you.
But the time will come when you fall in love and then all that I’ve said will make sense to you. Love changes everything.”
he is absolutely right that love changes everything.
i am so glad i have a shield of affirmation and love to protect me from fiery darts like this.
i’m even glad this man was sent to remind me where i came from. to make sure i don’t forget the miserable wretch that my friends, my colleagues, and even mother had to deal with. that i don’t forget the mess that friends like robynannl listened to, and worked with, and prayed for. that i don’t forget the darkness of the dark places that light still managed to reach.
many of his accusations are true. and because of that, i can agree and testify that love changes everything. too often i underestimate the power of love. too often i forget that i am in love. too often i forget the might & reach of god’s arm, so reading things like this about myself & what i’ve been through thus far fills me with JOY.
where is the man who lied about his hiv status for 5 years? where is the man who wasted his life in loveless hookups? where is the man who specialized in pretending?
in his place lives a trophy of mercy.
a witness of the hope of resurrection.
We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.
— Anais Nin
In order to be free you simply have to be so without asking permission from anybody. You have to have your own hypothesis about what you are called to do, and follow it, not giving in to the circumstances or complying with them. But that sort of freedom demands powerful inner resources, a high degree of self awareness, and consciousness of your responsibility to yourself and therefore to other people.
Alas, the tragedy is that we do not know how to be free- we demand freedom for ourselves at the expense of others and don’t want to waive anything of our own for the sake of someone else: that would be an encroachment upon our personal rights and liberties. All of us are infected today by an extraordinary egoism. And that is not freedom; freedom means learning to demand only of oneself, not of life or of others, and knowing how to give: sacrifice in the name of love.
— Andrey Tarkovsky (via fallofbabylon)
remember to stay there
note to self:
remember who you love
remember why you love
remember who loves you
and don’t back off from love
when it feels weighty.
remember the love that
the love that opened your eyes
caused your blood to flow
and brought your already rotting
cold and putrid
remember the love that resurrected you.
and remember to stay there.